When one door closes, a closet door opens: A Singaporean mother’s appeal to parents of LGBT sons and daughters


Posted on April 20th, by Pink Dot Sg in Pink Dot 2010. 23 comments

The feeling of falling into a deep pit is how Yiap Geok Khuan, 67, would describe her state-of-mind when she first received word that her daughter, Eileena Lee, 38, is gay.


Tears filled her eyes before she even heard the words. She had been in denial for years and her greatest fear was about to be confirmed – that the daughter she once dressed up in her own image – would turn out to be lesbian.

The bearer of the news was not Eileena though. It was her younger brother, who decided to call his mother at her office one afternoon, all the way from Australia, where he was studying.

Eileena had confided in her brother, and he chose to speak with their mother about it. His intention was not to tell on his sister, but rather, to ask Mdm Yiap to give Eileena emotional support, for she had been struggling with her sexual orientation for a very long time.

Mdm Yiap still vividly remembers that fateful day, down to the exact words her son had said to her over the telephone: “Mom, you have to remain very calm. I have something to tell you that’s very important, and I need you to be calm when I say it because this is not something that we can control or change, and we have to accept it as it is.

This was back in 1995, long before pink dollar, pink tourism, penal code 377A or the AWARE saga found their way into the Singapore consciousness.



“When I heard what my son had to say, what I felt… is so hard to describe. I was sad. I was angry. It felt as if I was going to fall. I felt guilty. I felt frustrated. And I kept asking myself: Why is life so unfair? Why did god deliver this to me? Why did it have to be me? Why did it have to be my daughter?” she recalled.

Highly distraught, Mdm Yiap began her search for answers. She looked around for information and literature about homosexuality, not quite knowing what it was that she was looking for. She admitted that she was flustered and “in two minds” about the situation. On the one hand, she was hoping to find answers on how she could change Eileena – to make her straight. On the other hand, she knew, deep down, that she may never find the answers she was looking for. This meant that she would eventually have to face up to reality.

During this period, Mdm Yiap did not confront her daughter on what her son had revealed to her. She was not ready for that. She chose avoidance instead. So from 1995 to 2001, Eileena became “invisible” to Mdm Yiap and their relationship turned cold. Mdm Yiap would take a “passive-aggressive” tact when interacting with her daughter, picking on insignificant, minute details to signal her unhappiness.

“I was confused and I may have given Eileena the impression that I didn’t love her then,” she said. “That’s not true at all, of course. My thoughts at the time were that I didn’t want a daughter like that; I didn’t want a gay daughter. So I avoided her because I needed to escape that reality. On the surface, I appeared very cold, but in my heart, I was always concerned about her,” she said.

All the books that Mdm Yiap had read about homosexuality were of little help. For sure, she received greater clarity on the facts and issues, but none of that knowledge adequately addressed her emotional distress at the time. She remembered reminiscing a lot about simpler moments in the past, where she would dress Eileena in pretty dresses.



“I was quite vain, as a woman, and I cared a lot about looks. I wanted Eileena to be pretty, and she was such a pretty girl when she was younger,” Mdm Yiap recalled.

“All through her primary school, Eileena was like any other girl. But when she started secondary school, she became quite rebellious. She was hot-tempered and she didn’t want to talk to me even though I tried very hard to communicate with her. She kept avoiding me and I grew increasingly worried for her. She knew that I loved her femininity but she became a tomboy and stopped wearing skirts. The harder I tried to coax her, the angrier she would be with me.”

Desperate to connect with her daughter, Mdm Yiap resorted to spying. She would sneak into Eileena’s room, hoping to find a journal or a diary.

Looking back, Mdm Yiap said she spent too much time and energy searching for answers. It was futile because she was never satisfied with whatever it was that she found.

In 2001, after six years of reading and researching, Mdm Yiap confronted her daughter. With a deep breath and a heavy heart, she went to Eileena and asked, “Are you abnormal?”

Eileena’s response: “No, I’m very normal.”

Half an hour later, she went back to her daughter. This time, she asked, “Are you gay?”



Things did not improve immediately between the two. According to Mdm Yiap, she continued to feel a “knot” in her heart, but their relationship gradually took a turn for the better.

Although Eileena now jokingly refers to that episode as one where she was “dragged out of the closet” by her mother, she admitted that if not that confrontation, she would not have chosen to tell her mother.

“Like a lot of gay people, I had thought that telling the parents was a selfish and hurtful act,” Eileena said. “My mother didn’t accept it quickly. At the time, she also blamed herself.”

Although she had exposed herself to information on homosexuality, Mdm Yiap continued to think that Eileena might have become gay because of something she did or said. “I didn’t understand what homosexuality was about. I thought Eileena was gay because she thought being gay was cool. I thought it was through the influence of her friends. I thought that maybe she was just being rebellious.”

Eileena did not aim for her mother’s acceptance. Instead, she wanted to reconnect with her mother as her honest, authentic self: “When we start to lie, we need other lies to cover up, in order to protect that first lie. Then it all builds up. Soon, your whole life becomes a lie and you lose yourself.”

While in the past her words would arouse her mom’s suspicion, Eileena’s honesty was reassuring for Mdm Yiap. “Eileena helped me to understand who she was. She brought her friends back home, usually large groups of friends, and from the sidelines, I observed them. I realised then that not all gay people were what I had imagined. Not everyone fit into that image that I had in my head. Almost all of them were highly educated and had successful careers. Everyone was polite and kind.”

Aside from “spying” on Eileena’s friends, Mdm Yiap would also listen in on Eileena’s phone conversations. She realised that Eileena was spending a lot of time counselling others. She witnessed how Eileena would go out of her way to help others, sometimes even talking people out of suicidal thoughts. “My observations tell me that she’s got a loving and kind heart. Many people could see that. My pastor likes her very much too. And even though Eileena’s Buddhist, she would offer to help out at my church,” she said.



In 2002, Eileena’s father passed away. Shortly after his passing, the family business encountered several serious setbacks. This was a business that Mdm Yiap had painstakingly built from scratch, so it mattered greatly to her. But after a series of lawsuits and losses, she decided to give up the business and retire.

The incident still upsets her, but it also represents a turning point for the way she felt towards Eileena. “Eileena encouraged me to go to church. She persuaded me to talk to my pastor. She even brought me to church. If not for all of that, I believe I might be mentally unsound today,” Mdm Yiap said.

For Eileena, that difficult period signalled to her the importance of family. “I never really had a strong relationship with my mom. After my father passed away, we had to learn to live with each other – because we had to. I saw that she was going through a lot of sadness [at the time] and I felt it was necessary for me to support her, because, come to think of it, I spend a lot of time helping people who aren’t even family, so why shouldn’t I give more to my family?”



Reflecting on the entire experience, Mdm Yiap concluded that things only got better when she learnt to open her heart and her mind. To do that, she had to let go and not try to control what God had given to her. Adopting this mindset, she said, allowed her relationship with Eileena to grow by “leaps and bounds”.

Today, Mdm Yiap is proud to support initiatives like Pink Dot because she believes her own experiences can go towards reassuring other parents. “To me, the parent-child relationship is priceless,” she said. “As parents, we need to show our children love and support, so that they can be happy individuals who will give back to society”.

Mdm Yiap personally believes that life is better when everyone treats each other with love and care. She says this is what her religion has taught her. “Gays are people, and so, like anyone else, they need love.”

Mdm Yiap recognises, of course, that this sentiment did not come easily to her, and so she offers her story in the hope that other parents might benefit from it.

“From the bottom of my heart, I want to share with the parents of LGBT Singaporeans, some of the key things that I have come to realise. First, nobody chooses to be gay. Homosexuality is not a disease or a disorder. How they feel comes naturally to them, and I believe that this is what God had intended for them, and also, for us,” she said.

“Love and acceptance should start at home. As parents, if we do not show love to our children, how can we expect society to do the same? So I hope that parents will love their children for who they are. They are God’s gift. When our children receive love and acceptance at home, I believe that they will go on to live their lives with love, and contribute to society in meaningful ways.”

 





23 Responses to “When one door closes, a closet door opens: A Singaporean mother’s appeal to parents of LGBT sons and daughters”

  1. Jeremy says:

    I am going to share this with mum who has refused all kinds of literature and facts about this . She feels she is one of the unluckiest women in this world. By focussing on the family this yr, I feel pink dot is really taking on the issues that matter bravely and making a giant step towards what it was formed for.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Would be great if this were translated into Chinese- my parents could read it then-

  3. Anonymous says:

    <3

  4. Martha Lee says:

    Thank you Eileena for coming forward and sharing your personal story. Please continue in your good work and being a light to others.

  5. Andrew Loh says:

    I read this book 2 years ago and it should be made known again. The stories are heartwarming and touched me deeply.

    http://www.plu.sg/society/?p=58

  6. Anonymous says:

    Wow! I wished i had that experience as part of my journey in life. I remembered my parents brought me to a psychiatrist when my ex-girlfriend spilled the beans to them, only to backed out minutes before my name were to be called in. I guessed they were embarrassed or scared to face reality. From then on, they tried their best to change me by introducing me to many guys, hoping that I would like one of them & eventually get married. However, it didn't turn out the way they wanted it to be…till my mom passed away. She never confronted me. I understood why. One of her last words were…"if u decide to be what u are…please ensure that u find happiness & be financially stable & independent". I nodded & smiled. I knew she loved me no matter what my sexual preference are. I love u, Mom…forever :-))

  7. Anonymous says:

    Contrary to the Thio mother & daughter selfish acts, this episode really tells a lot about how unselfish a mother's love can be.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for sharing this. This is awesome. ~ Alicia

  9. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to confess your sexual orienatation to your parents. And to have enought faith to believe that your parents really love you for what you are and what you become. – TY

  10. David says:

    I've posted this in Fridae and I am posting this here again as I want to share my coming out experience with everyone.
    I've come out to my mom recently too. Somehow, it just came out of my mouth naturally during one of my conversation with her, pretty calmly though totally not planned. Mom was devastated and cried buckets. She kept blaming herself, saying things like it's against nature, and insisted that I change. I was expecting the worst as my mom is as traditional as a woman can be. In her world, gay people never existed. Even if she had ever come across in newspaper, it would have been reports that portray the gay community in a bad light under the category of perverts etc. She had been hounding me to get married years after years, and it was actually my intention to keep it from her forever, fearing that the truth that her only son is gay will hurt her badly.
    But over the years, I realized that our relationship had grown distant. Sub-consciously, I have been avoiding her and everyday when I come home from work, I would head straight to my room and close the doors. Conversations with her were always skin deep and brief, either cut short by her asking me of my intentions of getting married or the fear of her bringing up this topic. I guess somehow deep inside me, a voice was shouting to me that at my age of 38, I need to face up to her and not to run away from her anymore. So when I came out to her, I told mom firmly and clearly that my sole intention of telling her is to improve our relationship, and be able to be true to her.
    After the initial couple of days of outbursts, mom somewhat cooled down. We have both not brought up the topic since, but I know deep down, she is still not accepting the fact and is harbouring anger for her son. I can see it from her face and actions every now and then. For example, her face would shows signs of unhappiness for no reason when she talked to me sometimes, or she would pick the smallest things to get angry with me. I told myself that I need to be patient with her and consciously remind myself to show my love and concern for her every now and then. I have, myself, took a few years to come to terms with myself and accept who I am, let alone a traditional woman like my mom who has hardly come in touch with issues like this.

    … to be continued on my next posting

  11. David says:

    To me, telling my mom is only just the beginning of the entire coming out process. After that, much deliberate efforts and time needs to be invested to constantly expose and educate our loved ones (be it parents, siblings, relatives or friends) about what being gay is all about. Ignorance is the ultimate evil for all misunderstandings and disputes. Upon coming out, it's one's responsibility to further clear the cloud of ignorance your loved ones have with regards to being gay.
    That being gay is not a perversion, that being gay is not doing something bad, that being gay is not being sick or against god's will, that being gay is nothing shameful to hide. That we can still lead a healthy and fruitful life being gay, that we can still have a committed relationship being gay, that we can still contribute to the society positively being gay.
    This is a long journey that one needs to commit oneself to after coming out. And I've to constantly remind myself to do that. It would be unfair for mom to go though this and suffer alone. I want her to know that her son is doing fine with his life and cares for her even more. Being gay is only one part of my life. Ultimately, I want her to see that my aim of coming out to her is to improve our relationship, and not to further pull us apart.
    Siblings support also plays an important part in one's coming out process. I am blessed with 2 lovely sisters, whom I've come out to much earlier about 10 years ago. They have helped me talk to mom and emotionally supports her during the few days after I've come out, and I believe that they're still doing so. Thanks my dear sisters.
    Kudos to Eileena and mom for coming up front to talk and share about your coming out process and experience. It will really help to educate the public, straight or gay, about what's being gay is all about, and in the broader perspective, about being true to yourself and your loved ones. I will continue my journey with my mom to give her the care and support she needs. Eventually, I want to be able to share this part of my life, including my partner, with her.
    All these, I know, will take time. Until the day that my mom accepts her son for who he really is, I still love you Mom!! :)

  12. Anonymous says:

    To share this poem

    On Children
    Kahlil Gibran

    Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

    You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
    which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them,
    but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

    You are the bows from which your children
    as living arrows are sent forth.
    The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
    and He bends you with His might
    that His arrows may go swift and far.
    Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
    For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
    so He loves also the bow that is stable.

  13. chen says:

    what does the proceeds of the donations go into?

  14. Anonymous says:

    Whenever i think of telling my folks, i turn away from it because, i am scared, scared of breaking their heart. scared of the guilt. i often wondered if i am alone. is this how it is meant to be? to pretend and hide all my life? at work. at home. if only mainstream parents could have access to such information. i want them to out me.

  15. Eileena Lee says:

    Dear all,

    This article has been translated to Chinese.
    Please go to -
    http://www.fridae.com/newsfeatures/2010/05/01/9912.?n=sec

    The video at the end has Chinese subtitles as well.

    See you on Sat at the PINK DOT!

  16. Anonymous says:

    Pudge!

  17. Anonymous says:

    LOL!

  18. Anonymous says:

    And Troll too?!

  19. Anonymous says:

    Hahaha! Yea!

  20. Josep'hn says:

    Laughing my star star here! Haha!

  21. Harold K. says:

    Congratulations to you all! As a co-founder of the Los Angeles Asian Pacific Islander Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, I regard you all as the leaders in showing all of Asia (and us in the USA) what can be done to open people's minds.
    Asians value education, but human sexuality is rarely discussed or studied. My wish is that people take the responsibility to read pertinent entries in wikipedia to update their knowledge base.

    Harold Kameya, apipflag at yahoo

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